Dear Tristan: on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)

Dear Tristan,

There are two essential ways of being motivated to do anything in life – one that springs up from inside of you, and one that comes from forces outside of you. When a motivation comes from inside of you, we call it “intrinsic”. When it comes from forces outside of you, we call it “extrinsic.” Intrinsic motivation is driven by your own interest or enjoyment of the task itself, as opposed to being driven by external pressures such as rewards (like money or grades), or coercion and threat of punishment.

A lot of people assume that children need to have extrinsic motivators until they become mature enough to develop enough intrinsic motivation to do a task for its own sake. I disagree.

You are only six months old at the writing of this letter. I watch you each day as you interact with and discover the world. The ONLY motivator for you is intrinsic. What interests you? What gives you joy? Whether it’s what toy you pick up out of the myriad in front of you, or choosing to roll over or stay still, whether you choose to stay sitting or flop forward onto your belly – you only do a thing because it is what you want inside. I think this is something all children do instinctively. For a child, the only moment is now and the only reason is desire. The only thing that holds you back are the abilities you have not yet developed.

People also say that without extrinsic motivators, children are essentially lazy and unmotivated. So without some form of external pressure, they say, children won’t choose to do anything worthwhile in life, because most worthwhile things are hard, and why would a child voluntarily choose to do something hard without either a reward or a punishment?

Basically, the infamous “they” say, children do as much as you let them get away with doing – almost as if it is essential to the nature of being a child to be as bad as possible.

So in a few months someone will probably suggest that I lightly smack your hand in order to prevent you from grabbing for or touching something I think you shouldn’t have.

A couple years past that, people will start telling me that the way to get you to potty-train is to give you stickers on a sticker chart, or M&M’s, or some other external motivator to get you to use the toilet. I guess without this, you’ll still be in diapers when you’re a teenager.

A few years after that, people will say that in order to get you to learn anything we need to give you “grades” – a measure of how perfectly you perform on tests and other schoolwork. You are supposed to want a top grade – that will be the reason you will read, memorize, and study.

As you grow up people will also say I should spank you in order to impress upon you those things you must.not.do. If you are punished, they say, you will learn right from wrong. You will learn what is not acceptable behavior.

Others say no, this is too harsh – instead of hitting, I should put you in a time-out (that is, isolate you from others and cut off relationship until you reform your behavior.) This is also a form of external pressure.

All these external pressures are to be exerted by me (the parent) in order to get you (the child) to do what I (the older and wiser) think you (the young and lazy) should do. You should potty train…now. You should learn what it in this book. You should do what I think is right and not do what I think is wrong.

“It works,” people say. “It’s so effective!” I’ve heard.

And inside I wonder – works to do what? Effective at what?

Are all these external pressures effective at getting you to do what I want? Probably…at least while you are little and easily swayed by smacks on the hand and sticker charts . Are they effective at stopping you from doing things I don’t want you to do? Probably. Threat of spankings or time-out (or promises of candy and stickers) ARE effective in the short term.

But the philosopher in me has to ask…are these things really effective at my real hope for you – that you will make your choices because of what is inside of you rather than because of what is outside of you? That you will do what is right not because you are scared of what will happen if you don’t, not because you have internalized MY value system, but simply because it is the right thing to do? That you will work hard at something because it is what you want?

I think sometimes people look at the behavior they want from their children today and forget that the same things that might bring about the wanted behavior NOW will actually have a detrimental effect down the road. A number of studies have shown that when someone is rewarded for doing something – even something they previously enjoyed without reward – they lose interest in the thing itself and become more interested in the reward. If the reward stops, so does the interest and motivation in doing something for its own sake. Intrinsic motivation – the kind I see in you every day – can be killed.

There will probably be times in your future that you wish I would give you rewards like you see your friends getting – candy, stickers, ice cream cones. In fact, there are probably going to be times when *I* would like to use these same things to get you to do what I want in short order. I hope that I will be able to resist that temptation and find ways of explaining to you the reason why. Because ultimately, what I want for you is not that you will always “do what I say”, but that you will have the inner character to make wise decisions and the inner drive to work hard at something you love.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity

Daddy’s letters:
I love you
I’m sorry
Do it for you