Dear Tristan: on being open

Dear Tristan,

Yesterday’s letter about disagreements and choosing a different path got me thinking about how important it is to be open to viewpoints other than your own. When you live in relationships where there is disagreement, this is especially important both in order to maintain the relationship and in order to grow. If we can’t be open to the viewpoint of another person when it’s different from our own, we end up either judging them or feeling judged by them, ignoring their viewpoint or writing it off as dumb. This can help avoid conflict but it fails to do two important things: it fails to feed the relationship (because judging/ignoring/writing people off isn’t good for authentic relationships) and it fails to help you grow.

You were born into this world as a human. Coming to terms with our humanity is one of the hardest things about growing up, I think – it’s easy to feel invincible as a kid, to feel like you can do anything. As you get older, you will realize that there are limits. There are limits to what you can do – more importantly, there are limits to what you can know and “get right.”

An author I respect said something I like – that he expects that at least 50% of what he believes is wrong, and he doesn’t know which 50%. (Otherwise, of course, he would discard it.) That is why we must remain open. Even on the thing we are most convinced of being right, we may be wrong – because we are human. That is humility, and it requires that we always be open and we always are willing to learn and we’re always willing to change direction.

People talk about getting “set in their ways” – I think that “being set in your ways” avoids the hard work of continually thinking, learning, examining, growing, and changing. This is something I want for you more than almost anything else – to always think deeply, ask the tough questions, and be willing to change your mind on something when you have more information.

Some people see changing your mind as a sign of weakness, but I see it as a sign of strength. It means you can admit when you’re wrong, which takes way more courage than thinking you’re always right.

Be open to differing opinions, but also be open to learning the facts about something. Your dad likes to say “You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts.” In today’s relativistic and postmodern age, people want to be entitled to their own opinions AND their own facts. Learn the facts. Let them inform your opinions. When you learn a new fact, let it change your opinions when appropriate.

Some people never seem to change their opinions. They have their ways of doing things, their perspectives, and they don’t take the time to see other people’s perspective. When you are trying to have a relationship with a person like this, it can be really hard because they talk AT you but never WITH you. They want you to listen to them (and their “correct” opinions) but never take the time to listen to you. Be careful not to be that person in a relationship, because it’s really really easy to do – and most people don’t even realize they’re doing it. They’re just so convinced of the rightness of their beliefs that they don’t realize there may be something they haven’t considered.

There is always more to consider. There are always things you haven’t thought about. There are always facts you haven’t yet learned. And perhaps most importantly, there are other people living a life you can’t even imagine, and their opinions and perspectives are shaped by that life. Listen to their lives.

And above all, know that I always want to listen to your life. Six and a half months into this journey of parenting and I am already convinced that I have more to learn from you than you do from me. I look forward to conversations with you long into the future, when I will be open to your viewpoint and you will teach me something about the world I never would have come to see if it weren’t for you. I will never be above learning from you.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path

Daddy’s letters:
I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful