Dear Tristan: on disagreements and choosing a different path

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
                                      ~ Robert Frost 

Dear Tristan,

It probably won’t take you very long to realize that you have pretty strange parents. I hope that over time this will be something you value, though I have no doubt that there will be times when it embarrasses you or confuses you. Your dad and I are, simply put, not very content to just do what everyone else does; we’re not much into the status quo.

I like to think that this is because we’re both deep thinkers. I learned many years ago to ask questions. Doubt and skepticism became a daily part of my vocabulary. When I read something or hear something I’m always evaluating it and asking questions of it. I don’t accept things easily. Some people would say I’m more of an annoying thinker than a deep thinker. I ask annoying questions about things other people seem able to take for granted. The funny thing is, sometimes it even annoys ME when your dad does this very thing.

Needless to say, this has taken me in some pretty unique directions in life. I do very few things the way others do them. I don’t eat the same foods most people do; I don’t follow standard medical advice; I’m a Christ-follower who doesn’t attend church; I don’t parent the way other people do; I didn’t give birth to you in a hospital – I could go on and on with the radical / weird / unique things I do and believe that are deviations from the norm.

When you’re a kid, you’ll probably form friendships based on what you have in common with someone. My first friends were kids who enjoyed playing the same games I did. Later on, my friends were people who shared the same beliefs I did, who had the same interests I did. Some of those friendships became so close and so deep, they survive to this day.

Yet a lot of those friendships have been challenged as I have changed. A lot of the beliefs and interests I used to share with my friends we no longer have in common. I know some of what I believe worries them, and some who were once friends call themselves that no longer.

I suppose the easy thing to do would be to go out and find new friends, friends who always think the same way I do. But if I did that, who would challenge me to really think things through? To whom could I offer back that same challenge?

The thing is, friendship that is based on same-ness, while it may be free of conflict, doesn’t grow you. It doesn’t influence you. It doesn’t challenge you to really think.

So I’ve come to really value friendships in which there are disagreements. I won’t kid  you – it’s hard to disagree with someone, especially when that person is very very close to your heart. It’s easier to not speak your opinion or just “smile and nod” – I’m guilty of this far too often. But that doesn’t lead to deeper friendship either. We must find a way to speak honestly of who we are and what we think, while giving space to others to not be exactly the same as us.

I guess what I’m saying is: don’t let anyone do your thinking for you. Ask questions, tough questions, and follow those questions wherever they lead you, even if the answers are ones that are not popular, even if those answers are not the ones your friends or family (or even me and your dad) have arrived at. Then, don’t base your friendships on absolute agreement, but challenge each other and respect each other’s differences.

Because really, everything we do is just a strategy – a strategy to meet one or more basic needs that all humans share. If we can step away from our differing strategies and see the needs we all have, we can find a common ground more basic and powerful than simply sharing common interests and a similar belief system.

I’ll be honest though: disagreeing with others, taking the road less traveled, is hard. Sometimes it’s lonely. When you step outside of the status quo, you might be the only person you know who thinks something…it may sometimes feel like everyone you know thinks the opposite. You may feel like you are either constantly explaining and defending OR that you are always holding your tongue and walking on eggshells around people. You may wonder how you can be authentic without coming off as judgmental. You may feel like no one – even your closest friends – really know you. I sure feel that way sometimes.

But ultimately – and I think you’ll probably see this theme emerge in these letters – the important thing is to be who you are and think what you think, even if it leads to disagreements, even if it sometimes feels like no one “gets” you, even if the road you’re traveling is a very lonely one.

And as your mom, I want you to know this: I can’t promise that I’ll always agree with you or be on the same path you are. But I can promise that as you grow up and into being your own person, I will always love you and be want to know what you think about stuff, even if it turns out to be different than my own thoughts and beliefs. I expect I will learn as much from you as I hope you will learn from me, and I want you to know I’m going to be open to that. You don’t have to ever hide what you really think from me just because you know it’s not what I think. It might be hard to find friendships where disagreement is invited and even appreciated, but I want you to know that I am a safe place for disagreement.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)

Daddy’s letters:
I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be