about opinions (and one of mine)

My dear friend Kelly recently decided to post one real opinion per week on her blog. I was intrigued; it seems it has been a long time since I’ve freely shared my own opinions. Over the last few years I have grown more and more introverted when it comes to opinion-sharing. When I delve into why, I remember the dogmatic self of my youth – the one who had all the answers and wasn’t afraid to let other people know it. I know now that I was wrong about many things, and I hold opinions much more loosely. I realize that five years from now I will probably see with even more clarity those things in which my opinion was flawed.

I have also seen how opinion-wielding can hurt people. I’ve seen how people can feel attacked when you share an opinion that differs from theirs, even if you never mean to attack or demean them. I’ve come to believe that, as Brian McLaren states, “there is great power in non-declarative statements.”

BUT. In the process of traveling away from dogmaticism and wanting to avoid hurting anyone, I think I have swung too far the other way. I very rarely share opinions anymore unless I’m certain that the person I’m talking to already shares them. This is not because I am insecure in my beliefs, rather, I have become weary of the conflict and defensiveness that often arises when one freely shares opinions.

BUT. The more I don’t share what I really think about things, the less I feel truly known, even by my friends. So I liked Kelly’s idea. After all, my blog is my corner of the world. I get to say what I want here. If you aren’t interested in my opinion, that’s okay, and you don’t have to keep reading or engage with “opinion posts”. But I think I’ll take a page from Kelly’s book and try to post one true opinion per week. In this, I hope to become less afraid of potential conflict and more gentle and warm in the way I express what I think.

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So, here it is. Opinion number one.

As of May 18 when my little guy was born, I’m an exclusively-breastfeeding-mama. I believe it is the perfect nourishment for little ones, and I’m committed to breastfeeding my son for a long time. BUT (I’m realizing this post contains the word “but” a lot) – I really, really hate the word “breastfeeding”, and especially, “feeding”, used in “how often is he feeding?” or “how long has it been since the last feeding?”

You see, while breastfeeding provides the perfect nourishment for babies, I think it is about so much more than that. For babies, especially tiny babies, it is more than food. It is comfort, it is relationship, it is connection – and according to this article, it is brain-wiring, not food. I have read that it takes babies up to a year to realize that they are a separate person from their mama. I mean, it makes sense – for their first 9 months, they aren’t a separate person. They are completely connected to mom. Then they are born, and we expect them to be a separate person immediately…functioning separate from mom, sleeping separate from mom. No wonder they cry so much! In breastfeeding – or, my preferred term, nursing – they are allowed to revel in that connection with mom.

(I do not say this to in any way diminish the relationship moms who can’t or don’t nurse their babies have with them. I’m just writing about what I have found to be true.)

When we think about nursing as merely feeding, the following statements become common –

– how can you need to eat again? you can’t possibly be hungry.
– I’m working to get baby on a schedule; she can’t possibly need to eat any more often than every three hours.
– my breastmilk isn’t sufficient for baby, he’s hungry all the time! I need to supplement.

You see, when we think about nursing as feeding, we start thinking that if baby’s tummy is full they shouldn’t need to nurse anymore. We feel put out, or we worry that breastmilk isn’t enough – they must need something heavier sitting in their stomachs and helping them feel “full.” But you see, it’s not about food. It’s about the connection to mom. The fact that babies also get fed this way is sort of a cool byproduct. Babies are born into the world craving relationship more than anything else. Sometimes Tristan finishes nursing and wants to just stay snuggled up with my breast. He sleeps best there, where he can smell me and know that he’s safe and cared for.

Another thing I hear from parents who think of nursing as only feeding, is that “I can’t be my baby’s pacifier” – as if once the need for food is met, any nursing beyond that point is annoying and bothersome. Now, I know there are babies with an incredibly high need to suck, and mom has needs too that preclude being glued to a chair all day long nursing. So I get that sometimes a rubber pacifier can be a helpful tool, though I’ve chosen not to use one. BUT (there is that word again), at least some of the time, it seems like mom should be okay with being “a pacifier.” What does pacify mean? I found a couple definitions – to quell agitation was one. My favorite, though, was “to bring peace.” There is no greater gift we can give our babies than peace and relationship, and nursing does both – if we let it.

A tangent to the problem with viewing breastfeeding as merely food is the issue that many people have with moms nursing in public. I’ve heard that moms should “just pump and take a bottle” for excursions out of the house, and not subject people to “having to SEE THAT.” (I’m starting to see that this opinion piece is turning into more than one opinion, albeit on the same topic.) Somehow in our society it’s okay for breasts to be the sexual fodder of men, but not the nourishment and comfort of babies, at least not…gasp…IN PUBLIC. No matter that more breast is seen when wearing an evening gown, bathing suit, or even most summer attire – it’s the IDEA of a baby attached to a breast that is offensive to some. Never mind that nursing a baby is the primary function of breasts. Never mind that it can be done discreetly – even without a “nursing cover” – don’t get me started on those.

Nursing isn’t always easy, and it does demand a lot of time and attention given to baby. Sounds a lot like any relationship, actually – not easy, and demands a lot of you. But like other relationships, it’s worth every bit of hardship and sacrifice.

It’s so much more than just food.