random blog catch-up

I’m a terrible blogger, I’ve decided. I want to be a blogger, but if I’m honest I have to admit I’m not one – not really. I’m a writer. I have to write to feel alive and remember my life (although all too often I don’t do that enough, either.) But I’m not much of a blogger. Even though I love reading blogs and connecting to people through their blogs, my own blog has not been very…alive. Maybe 2011 is the year I change that … no promises, though. I’m not much for New Year’s Resolutions anymore. I’m trying to just live, instead of making grand plans to live once a year and then feeling guilty in April. Consider this post a random blog catch-up of {some} of the thoughts in my head.

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I’m 18 weeks along in my pregnancy now. It’s kind of crazy how fast time is passing…in only five more months I’ll have a baby to hold and cuddle! I haven’t felt baby move yet but I’m hoping it happens soon. I’m reading lots of great books and learning to trust that my body knows how to grow and give birth to this baby perfectly. The first trimester yuckies have passed and I’m feeling lots of energy most days, so I’ve started an exercise routine. Prenatal chiropractic has rid me of the pain I was experiencing at night and given me confidence that my body will be ready to give birth.

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It’s funny about becoming parents soon…I’ve discovered that you’re really “not allowed” to have opinions about parenting until after you’ve actually been a parent for awhile. If you read books or articles and have opinions, people think either a) you’re naive or b) you’re judging them if those opinions differ from their parenting practices. I’m still trying to figure it out. I think everyone has an opinion on parenting, even if they don’t realize it, because everyone has been at least one part of the parent-child relationship: we were all children once. We either liked things our parents did, or didn’t like them, or maybe were ambivalent. Whatever the case, the way our parents parented us has shaped us and influenced what we think parenting is all about. Some people hated the way they were parented and plan to throw it all out. Others pretty much do the same thing their parents did, some without thinking just because it’s “what they know”, and some because they consciously choose it. We are also all impacted by the examples of parenting that we see out in the world – our friends, family members, even the parent-child relationships we observe in the grocery store.

Of course until you’re actually a parent you don’t know how certain things will work out on a practical level. I’ve been doing some reading on the Montessori method of education and I like a lot of what I’m reading. I’m also well aware that some aspects will be difficult on a practical level and I might not be able to keep up even though I want to. That’s okay, but I think it’s silly to say that because I haven’t done it yet I can’t say “hey that’s cool, I want to try that.”

There’s actually a lot, practically speaking, that I DON’T have an opinion on because I haven’t lived it yet. But I do have a philosophy about parent-child relationships because, well, I’m a philosophical type of gal. I hold the philosophy, for example, that children are persons, just as deserving of respect, freedom, and honor as any adult. They are not, as some view them, “potential persons” who need to be controlled or guided into personhood. I don’t know much about how that will work out on a practical level, but I don’t think “not being a parent yet” precludes me from holding that philosophy.

But sometimes when you hold a philosophy that’s different than someone else’s philosophy they feel judged. Actually this seems to happen a lot, even when I don’t feel any judgment in my heart at all. I’m not saying I’m never judgmental – I’m working on that aspect of myself – but oftentimes it seems people *feel* the most judged when I’m actually just disagreeing with them, and don’t feel any judgment at all. I know I can’t own that, but I want to be careful about how I come across. Am I gentle? Am I gracious? Do I leave room for other opinions? I’m a passionate person and sometimes, I think, that passion comes off as judgment…even (maybe especially?) when unintended.

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As I think about moving into this next phase of my life, I clutch my ideals close to my chest. I want to believe that this will be the time in my life when I live true to them. But I am faced with all of the ideals I’ve held in the past, many of which I still hold, and still fail to live. I’m an idealist – always have been, always will be. This often means feeling like a failure because my Ideals are often so far from the reality I’m able to live. Then I’m presented with that whole thing about choices. Often when I’m not living true to my ideals, it’s not because of some force outside of me making them impossible. It’s my own choices, my choice to waste time on things that are meaningless as opposed to those that have meaning.

I don’t expect that in my parenting I will be able to live up to my ideals when I’ve never been able to live up to them before. But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have them. Ideals are important, I think. If we start off with no ideals, no conscious philosophy (I still maintain everyone holds an unconscious philosophy at the least) – we just make up life on the fly. I’ve done that sometimes, it gets pretty chaotic. When I think about having young children, “chaos” seems a place that would be pretty easy to end up. How to find and keep peacefulness in my home? This will be my quest.

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Given that this is a random post, it doesn’t really have a conclusion. This is a mere sampling of all that is swirling in my brain. I think I’ll stop writing now. Maybe if I let myself write blog posts that aren’t completely tidy and don’t always have a message or a conclusion, I’ll write more often. Yes, that sounds good. I think I’ll try it.