Dear Tristan: on feelings and needs

Dear Tristan,

One of the things adults most commonly say to children is, “It’s okay.” It’s a reflex when trying to comfort a distraught child. It’s something our parents probably said to us. It’s something I’ve caught myself saying to you. The problem is, it’s not true.

When an adult says to a child, “It’s okay,” or even worse, “You’re okay,” it is most certainly not okay. That’s why the adult is saying it – they’re trying to make it okay by telling the child that it is okay. But the child is not okay. They are not feeling like everything is okay. So to tell them “it’s okay” when it’s not teaches them to disregard their own inner experience and to adopt instead what someone tells them they should be experiencing.

Family therapist Virginia Satir wrote about “five freedoms” that a person must have in order to become more fully human. One of them was about feelings:

The freedom to feel what you feel, not what you “ought” to feel.

I would add to that, “Not what someone tells you to feel or tells you that you DO feel.”

No one can tell you how to feel or what you feel. Only you can know those things. They have to come from inside, not outside of you. I can’t tell you that “you’re okay” when you’re not without lying to you.

Not very many people in your life will afford you the freedom to feel what you feel. There will always be pressure to feel that which is socially acceptable, or that which makes others feel better. Your dad and I hope that we can give you that freedom, and that growing up with that freedom will help you always give yourself that freedom even when others try to take it away.

People think that you can put on feelings like you put on clothes. “Be cheerful!” “Be happy!” “Chill out!” The admonitions come from all sides.

My only admonition to you is feel what you feel. Be honest about it, let yourself feel. Don’t cut yourself off from feeling the big, scary emotions like anger or fear. Explore them. What are they telling you?

You see, feelings always have something to tell us. That’s why we shouldn’t run away from them or “put on” happier emotions just to make others (and ourselves) more comfortable. Feelings are “clues” to something deeper, and they’re important. It can be dangerous to ignore them.

When your needs are being met, you may feel happy, or calm, or comfortable. Usually, the so-called “negative” emotions are felt when your needs aren’t being met. So you may feel lonely when your need for connection is not met. Or you may feel frustration when your need for stability is not met.

Your feelings are clues to help you (and those who love you) figure out what needs of yours are being met (or not met.) They aren’t an “attitude” to be put on and they aren’t something you choose. They are just are. Even the big, scary emotions can help you figure out what your needs are and how to find a strategy for meeting them.

You see, the things we do – our behaviors – are strategies for meeting those needs. That’s why I said a few letters back that you are not what you do. It’s also why I don’t think much of strategies like punishment or rewards to try to get you to behave the way I want you to. I’d much rather take your behaviors as another clue – observe the behavior, then ask, what might you be feeling? And from there – what might you be needing? Then, I’d like to either meet your need or help you find a strategy for meeting it yourself.

Even now, as a baby, you demonstrate that you have the same needs as every other human being on the planet – needs for things like physical well-being, connection, nurturing, space, play. And since babies are emotional rather than rational beings, you have loads and loads of feelings. When your needs aren’t being met, usually you tell me so by crying. You have different cries, and they help me try to figure out how to meet your needs.

I hope I can always be a detective in this way, helping you figure out what you’re needing and how to meet those needs. When you get older and throw a tantrum, I hope that instead of reacting and trying to modify your behavior, I can remember to follow this process: observe what you are doing. Guess what you’re feeling. Follow those feelings through to what you might be needing. Then ask myself, how can I meet that need?

It’s harder than behavior modification but infinitely more rewarding, I think. And perhaps the thing I most hope I can give you through relating to you in this way is the self-awareness to follow this process for yourself.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path
on being open
you are not what you do
on perspective taking
on the most important thing
when the going gets hard
on falling in love

 

 

 

Daddy’s letters:

I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful
Be…just be
Do it for you
On Rewards and Punishments
Choose Wisely
Hold onto Yourself
Cultivate Empathy