Dear Tristan: on insecurity

Dear Tristan,

Yesterday I wrote about differentiation. One of the manifestations of a lack of differentiation is insecurity. I want to write more about insecurity specifically because it is such a prominent problem in many people’s lives and relationships, and has been an issue for me personally. It’s one of those things that I probably can’t spare you from, but nevertheless I want to try.

An insecure person is a person who is so unsure of who they are and whether or not they are loved / approved of / wanted / respected that they look to every interaction for the security they lack in themselves. All of us, at one time or another, are insecure about some things. I think that this insecurity is evidence of our humanity. But part of growing up is grappling with our insecurity and looking to ourselves and to God for how to become a secure person, rather than always allowing whether or not we feel secure to hinge on another person.

Here I am talking about differentiation again. But this particular manifestation of undifferentiation seems particularly common so it’s one I want you to watch out for. Anytime you feel desperate to win someone’s respect, approval, or love – look inside yourself. It’s a good time to get some self-empathy going. What are you feeling? What need is connected to that feeling? How can YOU find a strategy to meet that need?

You see, when we come to our relationships as a needy person, demanding that the other person meet our needs, what should be a relationship actually becomes a strategy for meeting our needs. Sadly, in this kind of situation (which is SO common…I think we’ve all done it at one time or another) the “relationship” ends up objectifying the other person. What I mean is, the person in the relationship becomes an object – and the point of that “object” is to satisfy OUR needs. True give and take is impossible when insecurity is in the room, because insecurity demands. Love, on the other hand, invites.

Another person cannot make you secure. Only you can do that, through self-empathy, self-validation, self-awareness, self-understanding. And then in that security you can have true relationship, where there is no objectifying, only inviting.

So when you start getting hot under the collar about something someone is saying, when you start feeling desperate, when you start wanting reassurance from someone that they like you / respect you / approve of you / love you … stop. Listen to those feelings. They are a clue to something inside of you that needs tending. When you are a factory of unmet needs, you can’t have an equal relationship with another person, because you are so desperate to get your needs met that you often end up doing some crazy stuff that doesn’t *actually* meet your needs but you’re so desperate that you can’t see that. In my opinion, most (all?) bad behavior comes from a place of unmet need. As a child, you look to me to meet those needs…and that’s okay, because you’re a child. It’s developmentally appropriate. But a lot of people never grow up – they keep looking outside of themselves for someone to meet their needs.

For example, one of those basic human needs is respect.

“Wait a minute!” You say. “I thought you shouldn’t look outside yourself for someone to meet your needs. But if respect is a basic human need, why CAN’T I desperately look for someone to respect me?”

Yes, respect is a basic human need. However, when we don’t respect ourselves – when we are insecure – even when other people do respect us we often don’t see it. We imagine what they must think of us based on what we think of ourselves. If we look down on ourselves, we think they must be looking down on us as well.

The thing is, NO ONE can convince you that you are respected / loved / approved of – if you don’t already believe it within yourself.

That’s what insecurity is, at its core: it keeps a wall between you and the respect, love, and approval that people are actually offering – you just can’t see it. It’s not that we don’t need other people to respect us – it’s that before we can accept that respect we have to respect ourselves.

And that is what security is – respecting yourself. And then, even if no one else respects you and meets that need for respect, it’s okay – because you know you’re okay, even if no one else sees it.

And sometimes, in this world, we will sometimes be surrounded by people who don’t respect us. Who don’t see us for who we truly are.

What I’m saying in this letter is this: don’t let those people define you. Don’t even look to me or your dad to define you :: define yourself.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path
on being open
you are not what you do
on perspective taking
on the most important thing
when the going gets hard
on falling in love
on feelings and needs
on empathy
on differentiation and self-validation

Daddy’s letters:

I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful
Be…just be
Do it for you
On Rewards and Punishments
Choose Wisely
Hold onto Yourself
Cultivate Empathy
Be Differentiated
an invitation