Dear Tristan: on respect (and why it has nothing to do with age or position)

Dear Tristan,

A few times in these letters I’ve referenced the basic human needs we all share. One of those needs is respect.

A lot of people feel like they “deserve” the respect of others – they say because they’ve lived a certain number of years, or because they hold a position of authority, or because they have a certain number of degrees, that you should respect them. Some of these people are very into titles as a symbol of respect – titles like Mr. or Mrs., ma’am or sir. “Children these days, they have no respect” is something you’ll probably hear a lot of in your life. “Respect your elders” is another.

What I want to tell you about respect is, like most things, a bit different than the status quo. I believe that all human beings should be respected – period – because all people, of every age and rank, are persons, with souls, with identity. All human beings are deserving of respect.

But if you listen to the voices around you, you’ll start thinking that only a few people are to be respected….usually the older and the credentialed. Certainly not the young.

There are a few forms of discrimination that are still acceptable in our society, and the discrimination of the younger by the older is one of the most common. I’ve even heard of it referred to as “adultism” – the belief that the attitudes, ideas, beliefs, and actions of adults are more important than the attitudes, ideas, beliefs, and actions of children. It ignores, silences, neglects, and punishes children simply because they are not adults.

Sadly I can’t rescue you from this form of discrimination. I can’t even promise that I won’t unintentionally participate in it myself. The world is simply geared towards adults. Children, until they become adults, are treated as lesser beings.

What I want to tell you is that you, as a child, are as equally deserving of respect as I am. I don’t want to demand that you respect me; rather, I want to respect you. You will learn all you need to know about respect from my respect for you.

The Apostle Paul writes about this to his young protege, Timothy, in the Scriptures. “Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example…”

No matter your age, you can be an example. No matter your age, you are deserving of respect – the same respect afforded to me. A lot of people don’t think this. They think that because you are a child, you are like clay that the adults in your life must shape, a blank slate for us to write on. We are supposed to be “in charge”, you are supposed to obey.

I don’t see you this way. You came into this world as yourself, not as a blank slate. From your earliest days you have expressed preferences, opinions, wants, likes and dislikes. You are only seven months old, but you are very opinionated. You are a person.

Your dad has talked about how most people look at children as “potential people” rather than “people right now.” It’s like, because you’re a child, you’re a “person-in-training”, not a person. I don’t buy it – and I hope you don’t either.

The only difference between you and me is that your body and your mind are as yet undeveloped; your will, emotions, and soul are all similar to mine as an adult. Parents talk about all that they have to teach their children, but truly, I feel as though I have much more to learn from you than you do from me. Sure, there are things I hope I can share with you along the way. But even more than that I hope that by having a child around, I can remember the child-wonder that so many of us trade for a hardened realism. I hope that I can lay aside the cynicism that so often comes with an adult view of the world and look at the world through your eyes instead. I hope some of your pure energy for living rubs off on me.

Really, what I hope for in our relationship is mutuality. That I will learn from you, and you will learn from me. That we will respect one another. I will not demand your respect, but rather, I will do what I have the power to do: and that is to respect you and show you what respect looks like.

Hopefully, I can shield you from some of the worst of how adults sometimes treat children. I hope that our home is a place of mutual respect…I envision it sort of as a launching pad into the broader world. I hope that by the time you encounter some of the attitudes people have towards children, you are already secure in your worth and your value. I hope that, as Paul told Timothy, you “do not let anyone look down on you because you are young…”

Because, really, what’s age got to do with it?

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path
on being open
you are not what you do
on perspective taking
on the most important thing
when the going gets hard
on falling in love
on feelings and needs
on empathy
on differentiation and self-validation
on insecurity
on expectations
on becoming

Daddy’s letters:

I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful
Be…just be
Do it for you
On Rewards and Punishments
Choose Wisely
Hold onto Yourself
Cultivate Empathy
Be Differentiated
an invitation
no expectations
have regrets
what do you want?