mutuality {letters to my baby}

Dear Baby,

I’ve been feeling more pregnant this week. I still have no morning sickness or anything too terribly annoying, but it’s starting to be obvious that my body is undergoing a monumental task…growing you! It’s kinda cool. I’ve been a little tired, and I’ve taken more naps than usual (you know your momma loves her naps!) But I’m sort of in awe that my body – the same one that has given me so much grief over the last seven years – is up for the task of growing a human life. I hope it’s a safe and healthy place for you to grow. I am so looking forward to when you start moving around and we can have more interaction. Daddy already talks to you and kisses my belly, even though I tell him that you can’t hear him yet. He’s going to make the best dad.

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about this thing called mutuality – it’s a big word that basically means equality or sameness. What does this have to do with you? Well, in our marriage daddy and I believe in mutuality – that we are equals, that one of us is not “over” the other in some way. We both respect each other and sometimes, defer to one another’s more pressing needs. As we think about having you in our lives, we want to give that same respect to you.

Baby, you’re going to be born into a world that looks down on you, just because you’re a child.

I wish it weren’t so, but it is. The whole culture we live in is geared around the needs and preferences of adults. Children just need to fit into the adult world until one day, they too can be adults. This is so contrary to Jesus telling us that we must be as little children to inherit the kingdom of God, but nevertheless, people who share our faith say the same things.

It makes me sad, because when I think about you being in our lives, I know I have as much to learn from you as you do from me. I always want to be open to that. I don’t plan to set myself “above” you. You are my equal in every way except one: that is life experience. Yet, I have come to believe that one person’s life experience can never substitute for another’s lack of it. Sure, we can learn some things from the experiences of others – but the things we learn deep and true come from our own life experience. I want to walk with you as you experience life, help you process and interpret your own life experiences – but not try to force you to accept my life experiences as reality.

This, I think, is mutuality.

You’ll always have a voice in our family. To me, being a parent is not primarily about “being in charge”, but rather, “being in relationship.” Sometimes you have to choose between the two – and I will always, always choose “being in relationship.”

Some will tell me that I’m being naive, that I’ll change my tune after you come and I “see what it’s like.” That’s okay that they think that. I’m sure that I know very little about how this parenting thing will actually work, but I’m constantly being inspired by parents who model mutuality with their kids, so I know it can be done.

Baby, I already love you so much, and I’m so excited that you are part of the relationship that is our family. I know that sometimes I will screw up, but I hope that you always know how much I love you and respect you as a person. I can’t wait to get to know you, discover you, experience life with you. That, to me, is what this parenting adventure is all about. I’m so excited about sharing life with you!

So even though others might look down on you or try to run your life because you’re a child, your daddy and I never will. I’m already sort of in awe of you, and I think you will probably be my biggest teacher in how to really live life, feel deeply, live authentically. I look forward to learning from you.

love,
mommy

(photo credit: http://www.sxc.hu/)