Dear Tristan: on authority and power

Dear Tristan,

Yesterday’s letter about requests brings up an important issue, and that is the issue of authority. I know some (many? most?) people would bristle at the thought that I, as your parent, want to make requests of you rather than demands. The parent is supposed to be in charge, they say. I’m supposed to be your authority.

Authority is defined as “the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.” Applying this definition to parenthood, it would mean that as your mom I have the right to order you around, make decisions for your life, and enforce obedience. Almost all parents, whatever their “parenting style”, accept this authority as a given.

However, when I read that definition the only part of it that I agree with is “the power to make decisions.” As your mom, I will end up making a lot of decisions for you, particularly when you are too young to make them for yourself (like right now.) The older you get, though, the more I will give you that power in ways that are appropriate for your age. I will not hold onto that authority as something to be grasped, but rather as something to be given.

But the other parts of that definition – “the power or right to give orders” and “the power or right to enforce obedience” – well, I’m not so sure about whether or not, as your mom, I’m supposed to exert that kind of authority over you. Oh, everyone says this is the way it’s “supposed to” be – meaning of course that I am supposed to tell you what to do and you’re supposed to do it.

I’ve yet to hear a good explanation as to why this “supposed to” is really best. It’s just what’s always been done.

But since I don’t generally just do what’s always been done (at least without questioning it first), I have to wonder – is this type of authority structure in a family really helpful to developing relationship, or is this type of authority more suited for a military type operation? And, is it really the best way to learn how to make wise choices for your life? I hear parents say that it is “effective” – but I always wonder – effective at what? Usually what people mean is that having an authority structure in place – with the requisite punishments for non-compliance – is very effective at producing compliance.

You’re only 7 months old at the writing of this letter; I have not been faced with what people call “discipline issues” as of yet. I know there will be times when I am tempted to use my status as your mom, as the person with more power in our relationship, to use that power and status to get you to comply with what I want.

And yet, deep inside, something about that whole thing…that normal parenting thing of setting rules and telling a child who they are, what they feel, when to eat and when to sleep and when to sit and when to stand up…feels wrong. I’ve come to believe that the way adults typically use their power over children is violating. From our earliest days, we are encouraged to look outside ourselves to others for direction about what to do – any person of knowledge or authority. To parents, teachers, doctors. Rather than these “authority figures” teaching us how to listen to our own inner authority, how to make wise decisions, how to dissect information, we are told just to obey their authority. They know best. They’ve already got it all figured out. So follow the authority…and you’ll be okay.

I’ve seen people who take this reasoning to its extreme…avoiding all responsibility for their actions because their “authority figure” told them to do it. If it’s not the best decision, it’s okay, because the blame/responsibility doesn’t fall on them. I’ve seen people so disconnected from their inner selves that they don’t know even the basics about themselves – who they are, what they feel, what they want, what they need.

What I haven’t seen is what is promised – that somehow if you obey the authority of your parents you’ll learn to make wise decisions, you’ll learn how to follow your inner guidance.

A popular parenting book I read says that children learn to make wise decisions by having you make wise decisions for them for the first part of their life.

No, a thousand times no. You will learn to make wise decisions by…..wait for it….making decisions. And in the process you’ll probably make quite a few bad decisions before you get skilled at making good ones. But along the way you’ll learn to listen to your own inner voice, instead of constantly searching outside yourself for someone to tell you what to do. What parents don’t realize is that children trained to simply obey authority figures will eventually move on from parents as the authority. They’ll move on to friends, celebrities, teachers – others who they perceive as being in a position of authority. Then, having never learned to listen to their own inner voice, they will simply obey these new authorities.

I don’t want to train you to obey an authority outside of you. I want to instead teach you how to listen to your own inner voice. Some people call it your conscience but I would just call it you. 

That’s all fine and good, I know some people will say, but children thrive with structure. They need stability. I don’t disagree – but structure and stability are not the same as rules and “power-over.” You see, as you grow up I’d like a relationship of “power-with” – that is, working with each other, cooperating with each other, solving problems…together. Rather than running my family like the military, I want my family to be a relationship – where togetherness and cooperation are higher values than obedience and conformity.

Of course, your ability to “cooperate” will grow as you do. It’s not like we can have reasoned conversations about what constitutes a good bedtime when you’re 7 months old. But rather than setting an arbitrary rule (you must be in bed by 7 pm!) I try to pay attention to what you are telling me about your physical needs, so that as you grow I can help you be attuned to your body (I’m tired; I’m going to sleep now) rather than to outside rules (it’s 7 pm, so it’s time for bed.) It’s part of why we got you a floor bed – so as you grow, it’s a bed you can get into (and out of) on your own accord. I’d rather have you grow up to be an individual who can listen to what your body is telling you, than a child who easily conforms to what I decide is best for you.

I realize I’m taking the hard road here, one that isn’t going to have the instant payoff of you-doing-what-I-say-because-I’m-the-authority-and-you’ll-get-spanked-if-you-don’t. I’m going to make requests of you, rather than demands. And even though I’m the more powerful person right now in our relationship, I’m going to share that power so that we have a power-with relationship rather than power-over. I don’t know how it’s all going to work, and I know I won’t do it perfectly, but it’s just one more way for me to say the same thing I’ve been saying over and over in these letters: that relationship is the most important thing. Relationship doesn’t thrive in fear, control, or in threat of punishment, but instead thrives in love and mutuality. I want to give you that love, not operating out of fear of difficult short-term behavior but rather in the hope of growing a differentiated, healthy individual who can make wise choices for himself. An individual who trusts his inner voice, and doesn’t let anyone take it away from him.

That is what matters to me the most, and that is why I won’t simply repeat the family authority structure that we’ve all been socialized to believe is normal and necessary. I don’t entirely know how to do this power-with thing, and I know that sometimes I will probably revert back to what I know (which is to want to be in control, giving orders and all that), but what I can promise is that I will learn and grow as you do, and we can figure it out together.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path
on being open
you are not what you do
on perspective taking
on the most important thing
when the going gets hard
on falling in love
on feelings and needs
on empathy
on differentiation and self-validation
on insecurity
on expectations
on becoming
on respect
on requests and demands

 

Daddy’s letters:

I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful
Be…just be
Do it for you
On Rewards and Punishments
Choose Wisely
Hold onto Yourself
Cultivate Empathy
tell me what you feel
Be Differentiated
an invitation
no expectations
have regrets
what do you want?
why do you want?
I hear you