Dear Tristan: on choices

Dear Tristan,

In these letters, I’ve mentioned “wise choices” in passing a number of times. I want to talk more about choices, because they’re one of the greatest things about life. That is, you get to choose. You get to choose what direction to take in your life, what kind of life you want to live. You get to choose whether or not to go to college, what to study, what kind of career you want. You get to choose whether or not to marry and to whom. You get to choose big things, like what kind of person you want to be, and you get to choose little things, like what to wear or what kind of music you like to listen to.

This power to choose is a great thing. It can be an exciting thing. It can also be overwhelming or scary, so sometimes we try to escape making a decision. We rely on perceived authorities to tell us what to do, or we let others make our choices for us in some way. A lot of times people say “I have no choice” when really, they do. The truth is that we always have a choice. Some people say that something in their life “just happened”, even when it’s clear they made specific choices that led to that outcome.

Appreciate the freedom that you have, in this era and this country, to make choices that many people throughout history and the world never could imagine. And then, take responsibility for those choices. When things don’t go the way you hope they would, don’t shift blame. Realize that you made a choice. Own it.

You can live life as something that happens to you, where things that happen are done to you, or you can be the author of your story. True, things will happen throughout your life that you were not able to control. Other people make choices too, and sometimes bad things happen completely outside of anyone’s control. And yet, even in those instances – you have a choice. How will you respond? What will you do about what has happened?

Though there are some things that will happen in your life that you don’t choose, there are many, many things in your life that you do choose – and here’s the thing. Sometimes, whether because we’re overwhelmed or because of fear, we think that we don’t make a choice. We stand at the crossroads and do nothing. But this is also a choice. 

Everywhere I look, it seems that I see people who live as victims of other people’s choices, as victims of their own indecision. They lament the things about their lives that they don’t like, while doing nothing to change those things.

I think one of the reasons that I’m happy with my life, why I like my life, is because while I haven’t always made the most fabulous choices, I’ve taken responsibility for them – the good ones and the not-so-good-ones. While there are certainly things in my life that I want to be different, and while some of those things are the direct result of choices I’ve made, I also know that I don’t have to accept conditions as they are. I can take responsibility for changing them. I can own my choices.

As you get older, I want to give you as many choices as are developmentally appropriate for your age. This is relatively unusual in parenting – much parenting advice is built around the maxim “Do it because I’m the mom” or “because I’m the dad” – i.e.,  you have no choice in the matter because you’re a child.

But with very few exceptions (usually having to do with protecting you from physical harm), I want you to have a choice. Even when you may choose differently than me or when you may choose something that I think is unwise. Because we learn to choose by making choices, and we learn to choose wisely by making a bunch of dumb decisions and then learning from those mistakes. But I’d rather give you as much freedom as possible rather than as little freedom as I can get away with.

Choose. And choose wisely. And when you don’t choose wisely (because we all make mistakes), learn from it. Own your choices. Be the author of your story.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path
on being open
you are not what you do
on perspective taking
on the most important thing
when the going gets hard
on falling in love
on feelings and needs
on empathy
on differentiation and self-validation
on insecurity
on expectations
on becoming
on respect
on requests and demands
on authority and power
cherish the moment
on hope, desire, disappointment

Daddy’s letters:

I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful
Be…just be
Do it for you
On Rewards and Punishments
Choose Wisely
Hold onto Yourself
Cultivate Empathy
tell me what you feel
Be Differentiated
an invitation
no expectations
have regrets
what do you want?
why do you want?
I hear you
seek the truth
how do you know?
imagine that