Dear Tristan: on hope, desire, disappointment

Dear Tristan,

Something you will likely hear a lot of in your life is a saying along the lines of “Don’t get your hopes up.” When people say this, what they mean is that if you hope and want and desire something – and then if that thing doesn’t come to pass – you will end up disappointed…hurt…maybe even depressed or angry. These people say it is better to “guard your heart” against such negative feelings, by not hoping or desiring in the first place.

I want to say the opposite: hope wildly. Dream big. Desire extravagantly.

Yes, you will be disappointed at times – maybe even most of the time. You will get hurt. Sometimes you may feel depressed or angry.

But a life lived without hope, without desire, is no life at all. John Eldredge writes in one of my favorite books, “The Journey of Desire”, that “Absolutely nothing of human greatness is ever accomplished without [desire]. Not a symphony has been written, a mountain climbed, an injustice fought, or a love sustained apart from desire. Desire fuels our search for the life we prize. Our desire, if we listen to it, will save us from committing soul-suicide, the sacrifice of our hearts on the altar of ‘getting by’.” 

Desire – hope – they’re like maps. Answering the questions “What do I hope for? What do I want?” can lead you to the answers to other questions like “Who am I? What is the purpose of my life? Why am I here?” Knowing what you want, what you hope for, can help you make wise choices for yourself rather than drifting aimlessly.

As I’ve written about in these letters, there are so many things I want for you – I want you to know you are loved. I want you to have deep and caring relationships in your life. I want you to know yourself and be secure in who you are.

One of the things I want for you, maybe the one on which all the others hinge, is to be fully alive. To open your heart every day to living, which means to open your heart every day to whatever that day holds for you. Sometimes that will be exquisite beauty. Sometimes it will be exquisite pain. But there is something worse than pain, and that is the inability to feel pain. When we try to protect ourselves from hurt or disappointment, we create barriers in our heart. We don’t let ourselves feel what we feel. We harden ourselves. The parts of our heart that we have walled off slowly die.

Sometimes it seems like we come into the world fully alive, crying and kicking, and that every day after the first one we slowly let go of that vibrancy for a settled “ho-hum, that’s how life is.” I love watching you experience things for the first time. I love seeing your wonder, your wants, your will. As a baby, you don’t know how to close off parts of your heart. You are who you are. You feel what you feel. You want what you want.

I just hope that in the process of growing up you don’t lose that, like so many of us do. That you don’t think that to be “cool” or “grown up” or “responsible” you have to lose the sensitivity that you display on a daily basis. You are so, so full of life…I wish I could bottle it up and save it for the day when you are tempted to get sucked into the “play it safe” // “guard your heart” // “don’t get your hopes up” world of slogans that kill us.

Don’t play it safe. Don’t hold back your heart. Let your hopes climb high, high, higher. And when the disappointment comes, let yourself feel that too. If you do, if you hope recklessly and let yourself sometimes lose big, you will never lose the aliveness I see in you.

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path
on being open
you are not what you do
on perspective taking
on the most important thing
when the going gets hard
on falling in love
on feelings and needs
on empathy
on differentiation and self-validation
on insecurity
on expectations
on becoming
on respect
on requests and demands
on authority and power
cherish the moment

Daddy’s letters:

I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful
Be…just be
Do it for you
On Rewards and Punishments
Choose Wisely
Hold onto Yourself
Cultivate Empathy
tell me what you feel
Be Differentiated
an invitation
no expectations
have regrets
what do you want?
why do you want?
I hear you
seek the truth
how do you know?