Dear Tristan: on addictions

Dear Tristan,

Yesterday I wrote about choices – about the enormous privilege we have to make choices that affect our future, that we can in many ways direct the shape our lives take. Today I want to write about one of the things that can take those choices away from us -  addictions.

People who are addicted are so dependent on something that they cannot control their need for it, even if there are negative consequences. That “something” can be a substance, like drugs, alcohol, caffeine, sugar, or it can be to activities such as gambling or video gaming.

It is easy to look at the heroin addict and say “That’s not me. I would never do that.” But the thing is, we are all prone to addiction and we are all probably addicted to something, whether or not we are aware of that addiction. It’s part of the nature of being human – to get compulsively locked into an unhealthy dependence on something. Something that gives us a dose of the transcendent, that helps us forget the pain.

The something can be big or small. The physical addictions are obvious – drugs, alcohol, nicotine – but there are others too, more insidious because their negative effects aren’t so immediate – caffeine, sugar, gluten. All of these set off chemical reactions in the brain that both make you feel good and make you want more.

We can also get hooked on things like video games, or TV, or internet. Screens are addictive, I think, because of the hypnotic effect they have on the brain. Some people are addicted to their work, or to unhealthy relationships, or to food. People get addicted to experiences as well as things, becoming a thrill seeker who gets off on taking risks.

Some addictions are undoubtedly more damaging to you, physically and emotionally, and more damaging to those around you, than others. A heroin or cocaine addiction can destroy your life while a video game addiction will probably just waste a lot of time. But all addictions share something in common: they all fail to appreciate the real.

You see, the rush coursing through your veins after taking drugs, the excitement some people feel when getting to the next level of their video game, the complete absorption in work – none of it is real. It is a false rush, a false excitement, a false sense of meaning.

So in this way, all addictions are equally damaging, because they all take you away from what is real…and they all take away your choice.

You see, when something is an addiction you require more and more of it to get the same experience, the same rush. So it pulls you in, taking over your life. You live for the next hit, the next drink, the next game, the next TV show, the next cup of coffee. All the stuff that happens in between – all the real life – is just something to be survived until you get your next hit. If you don’t get a hit in time, you start to experience withdrawal – a painful or unpleasant physical or emotional response to the lack of your preferred addiction.

The worse addiction becomes – the more your tolerance increases, the more of your addiction you need to feel okay with yourself, with your life – the less of a choice you have. Walking away becomes harder, and harder, and harder – until it is impossible. Rather than you choosing the addictive behavior, in a very real sense it chooses you.

The really sad thing about this is that addictions create an illusion…a fantasy world that becomes so enticing, so exciting, so thrilling, that the real world begins to pale by comparison. That’s why people would rather lose themselves in a drug or a show or a sugar high. Real life is, at times…dull. Difficult. Overwhelming. Sure, it’s also shot through with beauty, with joy, but there’s no constant high like there is with an addiction.

Escaping real life is often easier than living it. So we all find our addiction – some more “acceptable” than others – and we drown ourselves in it, wasting time, wasting life, creating a virtual world for ourselves rather than living in the real one.

And the deeper in we get the more impossible it is to just “choose” to get out, to stop, which is why it’s better not to go there in the first place. Some substances are instantly addictive for some people, like heroin – one shot and you’re addicted. Things like video games or alcohol or TV are more of a continuum – activities that can be perfectly fine and non-addictive but can also become addictions if you don’t participate in them with awareness. What you want to watch out for is this:

anytime a substance, activity, or experience provides an escape from real life, anytime it dulls the intensity of feelings that you don’t know how to handle, anytime it provides a fulfillment you think is lacking in normal life.

When those things are going on, it is hard – very hard – not to give up your ability to choose, very hard not to become addicted.

So I guess what I’m saying is – be aware and make every choice with this awareness – is this choice helping you come alive or is it helping you escape life? I want you to be free – free to choose, and free to make a different choice tomorrow. Addictions lock you into one choice, and make it almost impossible to choose a different path tomorrow. Addictions steal your freedom, and they steal your life – giving you a pseudo life that might be full of bells and whistles but somehow lacks the love and genuine joy of real life. Don’t fall for the counterfeit. Hold out for the real thing, and know that

The world is not respectable; it is mortal, tormented, confused, deluded forever; but it is shot through with beauty, with love, with glints of courage and laughter; and in these, the spirit blooms timidly, and struggles to the light amid the thorns. (~George Santayana)

love,
mama

other letters in this series:
on failing to live up to ideals
on curiosity
on intrinsic motivation (and why we won’t do sticker charts)
on disagreements and choosing a different path
on being open
you are not what you do
on perspective taking
on the most important thing
when the going gets hard
on falling in love
on feelings and needs
on empathy
on differentiation and self-validation
on insecurity
on expectations
on becoming
on respect
on requests and demands
on authority and power
cherish the moment
on hope, desire, disappointment
on choices

Daddy’s letters:

I love you
I’m sorry
Be Yourself
Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be
Be Powerful
Be…just be
Do it for you
On Rewards and Punishments
Choose Wisely
Hold onto Yourself
Cultivate Empathy
tell me what you feel
Be Differentiated
an invitation
no expectations
have regrets
what do you want?
why do you want?
I hear you
seek the truth
how do you know?
imagine that